Amazing.

With love and affection.

Gratitude and good memories.

Hope for the future.

And wishing you every good thing.

I love you for who you’ve been, who you are, and who you will become.  

Let’s meet sometime along the way of life…

~Me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Song:  We’ll Meet Along The Way

Album:  Funnel Cloud

Artist:  HEM

Link:  http://www.hemmusic.com/music.html

On YouTube:  (see below…)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

February 12, 2010

China Man,

But… but… but… [tear]… I liked you.

At least… [lip quivering]… be my friend???

~Me

February 14, 2010

I am moving on.

And I fucking miss you.

~Me

February 14, 2010

I love you, William.

I wish I would have gotten the chance to actually tell you so…

February 19, 2010

It’s been almost five months now since you broke-up with me.  Tell me… please… Why does love die so slowly??

That’s something I hated about my relationship with him, mostly just the months since our original break-up.  He won’t just shoot me straight.  It’s these mind-games.  I’m supposed to put the pieces together and figure out what he’s thinking/how he feeling on my own without him telling me.

This is like a role-reversal of the male/female stereotypes… he’s supposed to be the one confused about what’s going on in MY mind and HE’S the who’s supposed to be upset because I won’t just tell him exactly what I want.

What the heck does he want from me?  To leave him alone?  Then why doesn’t he just tell me that!  Instead, he says stuff to me that he knows will make me worry about him (like he did in >> this post <<).  And I worry about him… rightly so, given what I assume is going on.  And why does he leave it up to me to assume?  Why didn’t he just tell me straight out?

Then the next time we talk, since I’ve been worried about it, I bring it up the general issue and he blows it off.

Oh, China Man, what the heck?!

I’m still concertedly trying to figure out what happened.  Why did he really let me go?

Maybe someday I’ll understand.  Maybe  I never will.  But it doesn’t matter at this point, as the decision already got made for me.

[scratching head]

Most emotional problems that are not of physical origin are related, in one way or another, to low self-esteem.  Low self-esteem refers to the negative feelings people have about themselves that are not justified by fact.  In other words, while some people have a distorted self-perception that includes grandiose delusions about themselves, people with low self-esteem have delusions of inferiority, incompetence, and worthlessness.  Strangely enough, these feelings of inadequacy are often particularly intense in people who are the most gifted.

If our perceptions of ourselves are incorrect, we will probably be prone to maladjustment.  We can only adjust to reality if we have an accurate perception of it.  We create a major component of our own reality, and if we have an unrealistic view of ourselves, we have distorted reality.

I have not yet come across any chemically dependent people who did not have feelings of inferiority that antedated their chemical use.  Sometimes they feel inadequate or unworthy in every facet of their lives, and sometimes they may feel very competent in their particular area of expertise, but inadequate and unworthy as a human being, a spouse, a partner, or a parent.

Some people react to feelings of low self-esteem by escaping from life’s challenges and distresses into chemicals, and some may find a redeeming feelings of worth and adequacy by being the sober and controlling or suffering significant other of a chemically dependent person.

… The biggest distortion is in the addict’s self-image.  In one or more ways, the addict feels grossly inadequate.

When the layers of veneer are peeled off, an addict has an extremely low self-esteem.  If the distorted self-concept is not corrected, the addictive thinker will find it difficult or impossible to maintain recovery and could develop psychosis, neurosis, or a substitute addiction.

Remember, to the addict, this misconception [of self-image] is reality.

Addictive thinking is often also characterized by a rigidity of thought, what we may call “the either/or rule.”  The addicted person is likely to think in extremes, with little understanding that there is flexibility in resolution of problems.

I’ve been round and round this issue with China Man.  I’ve looked at it from all angles.  I’ve oscillated between taking all the blame and taking none of it.

But maybe we both fucked up.  Or maybe… neither of us fucked up.

I’m starting to believe that is was neither of us.  For myself, I know I loved him and he didn’t love me… so maybe I was overbearing.  At the same time, I tried to check out when I thought he might be overwhelmed by my love.  I mean, the first time (and only?) I said it, it was immediately coupled with a FINAL (or so I sincerely thought at the time) goodbye.  It wasn’t an, “I love you, so now you must love me.”  I never asked to be loved back.

He on the other hand, he didn’t love me.  Was that a fuck up?  No.  It’s just the way it was.  It’s not my fault.  It’s not his fault.  It’s not anybody’s fault, because it’s not a bad thing!  It’s just a thing.

Our relationship played out exactly how it was supposed to.  We each did what we felt was right.  And that’s alright.  Nobody fucked up.

Not him.  Not me.

We’re okay.

I cannot decipher if it was anything more than simply that you weren’t sure if/how much you wanted me.  Nor can I figure out why that was.  I think this will remain a question of mine for a long time… maybe forever, though someday I hope it won’t matter.  I don’t think it will matter eventually.  Even now, it matters less than it did at one point.

I just know you let me go.  I don’t know why and I guess, that’s okay.

I love you, even though sometimes in life you take detours and get yourself all stuck in that issue.

I love you as I said before, for the person you’ve been, the person you are, and the person you will become.

You aren’t going to kick that issue over night… you didn’t get it over night, you aren’t going to get over it over night.  In fact, I wouldn’t even advise that you stop yet (unless you really, really, really want to).

Take your time.  Think about your life as a whole.  Think about God.  Think about grace.  Think about who you are becoming, who you want to become.  Find what you are passionate about in regards to a career and do it with all your heart.

Surround yourself with people who lift you up (so to speak).  Get all the other fuckers out of your life. I read somewhere the other day that “you” are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.

When you feel like shit, because of that issue… let yourself feel like shit.  When you feel okay about it… take note of that too.  When you are happiest… take note.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about life and how mine changes… it’s that it rarely happens all at once.  In fact, it never happens all at once and moments of inspiration are just that… moments. Real change.  Real lasting change happens a little at a time.  And it is only lasting when I see that the other side (of change) is truly better.  It’s like that Eknath Easwaran quote… Lasting change happens when people see for themselves that a different way of life is more fulfilling than their present one.

On the other hand, sometimes you change by changing yourself.  Doing it without inspiration, without motivation, without the strength to do it…  just do it. Change the outside and the inner change will follow.  It may not feel like it, but sometimes you just have to “fake it till you make it.”

You are on a journey.  You are closer to being the man you want to be than you were when you first started this journey, and you are not as close as you will be at the end.

All is not lost.  Ever.

Take it easy.  One day at a time.  You are doing it, you are getting closer to freedom, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I love you.

HE’S LOVED YOU ALL ALONG.

“Perfect love that never lets go… You never let go, You never let go, You never let go…  Joy and pain, sun and rain, You’re the same… oh, You never let go…”