January 25, 2010

We talked.  It was normal conversation for awhile, just catching up, talking.  Then suddenly after a brief pause he said…

You’re my best friend in the whole world.  And I haven’t been talking to you.  And I’m probably a fucking idiot for letting you go… for any amount of time.

I didn’t know what to say.  I just sat there, in silence.  I started crying.  He wasn’t talking with hope, he sounded like he was losing hope.

He kept talking, I can’t remember exactly what he said though.  Said he feels like he’s just “meandering” through life and that he’s not become the person he thought he would.  He’s said he’s lost his way from God, essentially.  Become more selfish, instead of less.

I told him about how I realized last week that my life is better with God and how I realized I couldn’t do marriage without God.  I’m not a good enough person, I don’t have enough love… I need God.

He asked if I was regretting that we only had God in our dating relationship a little bit.  I said no, if I went back and did it again, I do it exactly the same.  Doing it any different would be disingenuous.  But I couldn’t do it again in the future without Jesus (I didn’t use those exact words) at the center.

I cried the whole time I was talking.

He listened.  He’s a good listener.

We ended up talking for about an hour.

At the end of our conversation he said… We should talk again in another month or two.

I said, “Yeah…”

Then he said something like… I’ll need you next time we talk… We can talk about something that won’t make you happy.

I said, “Do you know what you’re going to say next time we talk?”

Him:  “Not the exact words.”

Me:  “Do you know the idea you want to convey?”

Him:  “Yeah.”

Me:  “Do you want to talk to me about it now?“

Him:  “No.  I don’t feel like talking about it right now, I’ll talk about it when I feel like rubbish.  I don’t feel like complete rubbish right now.”

Me:  “Okay.”

Him:  “But I’ll need you next time we talk… to be my friend.”

Me:  “Okay.  You never need to feel like you can’t contact me.  Call anytime.”

Him:  “Thanks for being my friend.”

Me:  “My pleasure.”

Then we said our goodbyes and hung up, and I cried. I know what he’s going to talk about.  I don’t know how bad it is though.  It’s hard to watch someone you love suffocate themselves to death.  It’s hard to let someone you love go… let them hurt themselves… let them lose hope…

But I can’t do anything anymore.  It’s time to let God.

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