Text Chatting with China Man

*This was just the beginning of our chat…

me: Hey, [China Man], meant to ask you the other day how you leg was doing these days?…

China Man: I miss you, [my name].

me: Oh, [China Man]…

China Man: I was just dwelling over that on my walk back from dinner.

me: suckeroo.

China Man: [My sister]  sent out a link about the recent photos she’s added

so i went to her page

and then there were loads of photos of you

and I’ve been trying to shake you ever since

6:16 AM me: hug… I’ve been trying to shake you since… oh… August 17th or so.  I’m totally trying to get into the suppression thing. It works okay except that I feel like shit. Suppression and distraction.

China Man: I guess I’m visual, so seeing images of you kills me.

~~~~ a bit later~~~~

China Man: sometimes i feel like crying

me: Oh, [China Man]…

China Man: i think it was 2 weeks ago that I cried in a restaurant for about 5 seconds

Jim Gaffigan “Movies Vs. Reading”

Ah… laughter. 

After I Cried

I came home and checked my e-mail to find a super long one from a stinkin’ cool guy who I don’t know.

He found me on the same social networking site where I originally met China Man.

He’s a Canadian.  I already feel that he has a very accepting persona.  That’s feels really good to me right now in my life (even if it’s just in cyberspace), because of the one issue I had with China Man that made me feel not accepted.

I’m seeing another guy tonight with some other people.  He’s a teacher.  My sister is trying to hook us up.

I still miss China Man. [sigh]

And I Cried

I spent all week alone.  Was finally going to get to see my brother and sister-in-law at a football game tonight, so I went… eagerly… and the game was so fucking packed there wasn’t a single parking spot within a half-mile.  I was crushed.

I texted my brother… I’m leaving.  No parking.  C u

And then I cried.

I don’t cry.  Or at least I always thought I didn’t cry.  But then there was that time that China Man and I almost broke up in May.  I cried, cried, cried then and that was basically the first time in many, long years.

Then he left middle of August for China and that fateful day started a whole torrent of daily crying.  Daily sobbing. I finally stopped about three weeks or a month ago.   I mostly stopped.  But up until today it’d been several days in a row.  Maybe even over a week.  (That’s long time these days.)  I had thought I was done, but apparently not.

Why do I weep so?  I went to see a counselor this week.  She was great.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to “work on,” feeling like I was really sorting things out with China Man, moving, new job, and all that jazz.  But then when I was telling her about him I nearly cried.  It was a surprise too, because I seriously, honest-to-goodness thought that I was finally sorting things out and moving on.  But I almost cried there and that was a surprise.

Then tonight I go off the handle and full on SOB.  To tell you the truth… it felt good.  Release.  It just took the damn parking to get me to that point.

Weirdly though, it wasn’t really about China Man.  It was just about feeling so unhappy and so alone.  [sigh]

So it goes.  I trudge on.

Heart-warming

>> Click here <<

*She doesn’t even have any idea how much I dig Imogen Heap, let alone how much I needed to hear that.

I Know You Don’t Read This

… but feel free to e-mail or call any time.

The Truth Is…

I’ve been telling people that I’m doing really good in regard to you, like I’m practically over you.  Like it was no big deal to break up.

But the truth is… I’m just saying that so they won’t look down on me if I start dating someone else ASAP.  I feel like I am careening quickly into the proverbial “rebound relationship.”  Not that he won’t be a uber-quality guy.  He will be.  I only date the best.

I just don’t know how long I can take this, how long I can go on like this.   I am making use of any coping mechanism I can think of and some of them are really sucky.  Like, really sucky.

I NEED HUMAN CONTACT.  I feel like I haven’t taken a full breath since…  I don’t even know when… since you left probably.

It’s like I’m in almost the exact same place I was a year ago.  Freaking lonely, but not even realizing it, just doing anything possible to not feel.  Not feel anything.  I’m doing all those stupid, mindless things people do to not think.  Almost did that one thing that you advised me against.  But then I didn’t, cause I didn’t want to go there again.

I know I’m probably glossing over some grief here, but ugh… I don’t want to grieve anymore.  I cried all the time for basically two months.  I’m so damn tired of it.  I don’t want to feel it anymore.  Numb it.  Dull it.  Do something.  Anything.

Being in the arms of another man sounds horrible and wonderful, all at the same time.  Would it hurt you?  Would you even care?

Give me another way out of this searing pain and loneliness, and I’ll take it.  Just give me a way out.  I need it.

I Just Remembered

The other day I was thinking about how there were four or so things that I really didn’t want to tell you.  For sake of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and the like.   I just – a moment ago – remembered the first time I told you one of those things.

I was so nervous.  You were wearing your hat, the one that you always wore when we first started talking, and a black shirt.

You were so hot.  Cut me to the quick.

I don’t really even remember the conversation too much.  Just that you looked so hot and it was amplified by the fact that you didn’t hate me after I told you everything.

[sigh]

Throughout our relationship, then, I ended up telling you all the things I didn’t want to and wasn’t going to tell you.  And you didn’t hate me after hearing any of it.

Geez.  I wish I wouldn’t have remembered all that.  Makes me want you back and I must, must, must let go of that.  I will let go too.  I must.

I Know How She Feels

This girl…

http://imerika.wordpress.com/2009/11/03/i-cried-i-felt-alone-i-broke/

… not the bit about not wanting to grow up.  And I having been crying over you for quite awhile now.  But I understand the part about still needing the boy.  Sometimes I still feel like I need you.

“I’ll Stand By You” by The Pretenders

P.S.  I’m sorry I’m not going to e-mail you back today.  It’s not because I don’t want to.