First of all, I may be over-reacting, or reacting to a situation I’ve created in my head. Nevertheless, the feelings are real enough. This is how I soothe myself…
Remind myself that: I am a good woman. And he is a good man. People survive things like this and even feel whole again someday. I don’t know HOW they survive, but they do. Somehow. I want him to be happy, so even if I’m the martyr, I’ll let him go. I’ve survived terrible feelings before, I must be able to do it again. There are people in my life who love me, even if there’s no one close. I am sad and scared, and tired of feeling sad and scared. I just started hoping again and so these feelings make me feel extra exposed and vulnerable. It’s okay to still love him. Let it drift away as it pleases. Don’t force it away, I’ll only suppress until those feelings can heal another day in another way. Life doesn’t have to feel right or good to be worth living.
I haven’t done anything to deserve being alone.
I’m scared.
You’re back on the site where we met.
Oh, fuck, I can’t watch that.
Sick to my stomach.
So in the two months since we broke-up, the last three weeks of which we’ve been “not e-mailing”, China Man and I have exchanged …
77 e-mails.
And we’ve schedule a Skype chat for Thanksgiving day, which China Man dubbed “a Thanksgiving date.” I’m not ready to call it that again for reasons I mentioned >>here<<. Perhaps I’ll bring those reasons up when we talk. Or not. Whatever.
Just thought it was funny that we’ve supposedly been not e-mailing, but have sent all those e-mails to each other.
FYI – we’re approaching our one year “anniversary” of when we first connected… Dec. 3, 2008.
I don’t know why I have been wanting to use my middle finger and the f-word so much lately. Like, an inordinate amount.
Why?
I miss you. So bad today.
I think part of the spark was getting your “nooooooooo” in a Skype message after I said I had to go to work and left.
Fuck, I want you.
And the other day over Gmail text chat you said before you even greeted me, “I miss you, [my name]“, then when we were talking later said you had wanted to say, “I fucking miss you, [my name].”
[big sigh]
I fucking miss you too and can’t say it to you. Not going to get myself all invested in this again without knowing it would be safe to do. And right now, it’s not safe. I don’t know how or how much you want me, so I’m just not going there.
I woke up an hour late this morning.
But I decided in that moment when I woke up that if you’d been there with me I’d have stayed in bed even longer just to be close to you.
*Miss you.
He messaged me today and said that our last Skype call (>>see here<<) left him “a practical mess” the whole next morning.
Aww. *Hugs for China Man!
I find it interesting though how much we still function as a system. General systems theory says that in a relational or family systems, balance is always maintained. So, if one person over-functions, then someone else under-functions to compensate and subconsciously keep the balance. In the case with China Man and me, it always seems that when one of us is missing the other a lot, the other compensates by functioning less emotionally-focused. If you’ve read this blog, you’ll know that it’s been ME that’s been doing most of the pining (though I’ve been finding out that he has been doing his fair share too), but now it seems that at the moment it’s shifted, so that he’s the one doing most of the pining and I’m more supportive. That’s how it goes and that’s how it should go too. When someone needs support, then the other is there to support them. When the previous “supporter” needs support, then that time the roles reverse.
The only problem is that I’m not exactly sure how to support him. I already told him that I love him (October 25, 2009). He’s not ready to say that though, and I am not bothered by that fact. I don’t however, want to say it again, just because every time I say it, it increases the pressure on him to return it. I’m not into pressure. Boo that. There are, of course, other ways to support someone and so I guess all I can do now is be available.
It’s a bit of a sticky situation though, because we are not together, nor do we have plans to get together. I have a fine line of letting him know I’m still here for him, but not asking or pressuring him for us to get back together. And additionally, not hoping too much that we will get back together, because as we decided long ago, we don’t know if we want to get married. Getting back together wouldn’t change that.
Anyway, we’ll see what happens.
What was all that you said in Chinese? Telling me that you said the words “mother, ” “father,” “me,” and “you” doesn’t help me much.
Yes, I agree… it’s about more than just sex. I love it when you said shit like that. And I feel the same way. The thought of sex with any one besides you is just… empty.
I can’t believe you were looking at tickets on Air Canada? I don’t know what to make of that.
All I know is that, like I’ve said before, I’ve done my part and I can accept whatever happens or doesn’t between us. I did my best, now it’s out of my hands.
I love…
talking with you. 
Thinking of you still turns me on.
Today would have been good for HP. Rained all day.
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